That feeling when you love someone in addiction:
Do you ever wish they would just GO TO REHAB already, so you can be happy?
I've been there. Let me guess...
Overwhelm, confusion, and betrayal seem like cornerstones of your relationship now...
You feel like nothing could possibly get better, until their addiction is under control…
And you're totally STUCK when it comes to figuring out how to help them… If you even can.
If you love someone in addiction, you’ve probably heard someone say one of these things…
“They have to hit rock bottom”
“The only way to help them is tough love”
“Once an addict, always an addict”
You’ve probably tried a lot of things to convince your loved one to get help. I bet you’ve spent hours reading books, looking up rehab centers, scheming tactics with friends (until they didn’t want to talk to you anymore - oops), giving ultimatums or trying aggressive interventions, and through it all, you may have also found your way to a support group for partners and families.
I did ALL the same things, when I was drowning under the stress of a loved one’s addiction.
Needless to say, that stuff doesn't really work. If it did, you wouldn't be reading this page. You'd be off enjoying your serenity somewhere.
Spoiler alert:
The reason those tactics don't really work is NOT because we don't care enough or we don't love them enough, and it's NOT because they're bad people.
If you’re like me, you’ve already learned a lot about addiction.
You have figured out some great solutions for them to get help, and it seems like it should be so easy for you to help them at this point.
But instead, it might be going more like this:
Every time they’re under the influence, somehow a fight starts
You find yourself yelling at them WAY more than you want to
They’re disappearing or avoiding home - and avoiding the rehab conversation
Money is falling through your hands like sand as they keep spending on their addiction
Even when you wait for the perfect time to talk to them, something inevitably happens, they get defensive, or they say something upsetting that makes you lose your cool, sabotaging the whole conversation.
And even if they do try to get back on the wagon again...
You’re still reminded of all the let downs, and find yourself secretly waiting for the relapse shoe to drop
You get so suspicious that you end up still obsessing over every little thing they do or say, and even find yourself trying to catch them
You’re so resentful over all the hurtful things that happened when they were using, that you can’t actually be present or enjoy the good times.
You've learned a TON about addiction, and you've tried doing everything you're "supposed" to do...
Yet it still feels like something is missing, because it's NOT working, and it's NOT sticking (no matter how hard you try to "detach with love")...
You're right. There IS something missing. But I promise, it’s not just you that’s struggling with this. I've been there too.
Hi, I'm Cory, and I love someone who struggles with addiction.
I'm not a therapist, and I'm not a doctor. Until a few years ago, I was a traveling comedian, and let me tell you...
In my line of work, I meet a LOT of people who struggle with addiction. The list of famous comedians who've struggled with addiction is something of legend, so you can imagine how many non-famous comedians (AKA, my friends) have struggled with the same.
But here's the thing...
I’ve also loved people who despite ALL odds, have found a successful recovery. And I’ve learned a few things about what works, and what doesn’t, when it comes to recovery.
The best way for me to teach you, is to tell you my story.
Like I said, I’ve loved many people who have struggled with addiction and mental illness.
But I just want to share one story with you. This changed how I viewed EVERYTHING I thought I knew about addiction, recovery and what it meant to support someone who was struggling.
Years ago I was living with a partner (one of the “it’s complicated” types), who I cared about deeply. This person struggled so hard with so much pain, and would self-medicate with alcohol. Like, a LOT of alcohol.
The problem started long before I came into their life. Friends, family, even exes all agreed that there was really nothing I could do to help. This person needed to help themselves.
But what can I say, I’m stubborn. Like, "four years of trying", stubborn.
After years of begging, pleading and threatening them to go to rehab, and seeing them go through dangerous withdrawals at home more times than I could count, things reached a breaking point. I had completely lost myself, and many friends had been recommending a certain support group for partners and families.
So I thought,"What the hell, a support group can't possibly make me feel WORSE than I already do"
Being around people who had similar experiences was refreshing at first. I was able to talk about my problems with other people who got it.
We held hands. We said the serenity prayer.
And they told me “keep coming back, it works if you work it.”
So I did. I kept coming back. I bought books. I made friends. I dove in with both feet, for a few weeks.
But after a while, I realized, something about those meetings wasn’t sitting right with me.
I realized that as I kept coming back, so did everyone else… and the stories weren’t changing. They were just as bad. Nobody seemed to have the serenity I was promised.
And when I asked about solutions, I was reminded that I was powerless.
I didn't cause it.
I can't cure it.
I can't control it.
When I pointed out things that had been helpful for me, I was told not to discuss other methods here.
And I was told “no advice”.
I couldn’t ask for it, and I couldn’t give it.
There was nothing any of us could do to help people struggling in addiction.
The only thing we could do for them was leave them alone.
It just didn’t make sense to me that a support group would leave me feeling worse, and more hopeless, than I did when I came in.
Luckily, I’m no stranger to addiction myself.
I’m grateful that a year before these meetings, I had achieved my own recovery from a destructive drinking habit, and a 10 year 2 pack a day cigarette habit…
One thing I knew from my own experience, was that the support and accountability provided by my loved ones was CRUCIAL to my recovery.
I left after my 6th meeting feeling powerless… but knowing there had to be something I was missing.
After all, the things they claimed to be true about addiction, were not true for me.
So I set my focus on uncovering the truth.
It didn't take much digging to realize how many falsehoods are spread by support groups, and within our society, about how to "help" someone who struggles with addiction.
When I realized how many "untruths" were being spread about addiction, and treated like common knowledge, I dedicated myself to separating the truth from the myths within the recovery industry.
Fast forward 5 months. I help my loved one get into rehab for the first time.
They were receiving treatment, therapy, group coaching, and necessary healthcare, for the first time EVER in their life.
Everyone in their life had begged, pleaded, threatened them to get help.
And it never worked.
So what does this have to do with me? Maybe it’s a total coincidence that they got help at that time.
Sure. It could be a coincidence.But luckily, there’s science to back this up.
RECOVERY FACT:
Studies have shown that the influence of a compassionate, psycho-educated support system contributes to higher success rates in recovery.
Source: Mohd, H. (2008) Family Support as an Intervention Strategy in Drug Addiction Recovery
Here’s what I learned, and what I want to teach you.
You have a TON of power when it comes to your influence and contribution to the person in your life who struggles with addiction.
The problem you keep running into is...
You don’t have any idea how to harness that power!
You spend all your time trying to come up with tactics to convince them, or plots to trap them and force them into changing.
When what you REALLY need to do is learn the skills of becoming a positive, powerful influencer. (No, not the instagram kind).
Human beings are social. We crave connection, approval, community, belonging…ESPECIALLY those who are struggling with addiction.
Unfortunately, due to the behaviors associated with addiction, instead of cultivating connection and belonging, they end up sowing seeds of chaos, confusion and resentment in their friends and family.
And that's the opposite of what any human being needs.
Addiction is truly a self-sabotaging cycle, and families struggling under the shadow of addiction end up co-creating the most impossible environments for recovery, even with the best intentions.
So how do you change it? How do you break this cycle?
Heal for Real - Client Testimonial
"When I booked my call with Cory I was at the end of my rope. I had read countless books, tried two different types of support group, listened to podcasts, left and came back a few times, and none of it had worked. I felt hopeless, angry, and stuck. There had to be something better out there, something that actually worked. I had been following Cory for a while, I knew what she did was different, and finally I was ready for that something different.
The content of the program is informed and thought provoking. The weekly coaching calls are a source of support and solidarity like I’ve never known. All of it is practical and achievable, and now after completing the program I know I can handle anything life gives me, whether it’s related to my partners addiction or not. My partner has seen me grow and heal, and it has inspired him to begin taking steps toward his own growth and healing.
Heal For Real has saved my life. It sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s true. This program has helped me find myself. It gave me permission to focus on myself for a change, to really discover who I am and who I want to be. In achieving this I was finally able to be free of the worry, fear, and resentment that my partner’s addiction incited in me. I can focus on the things I want out of life rather than desperately trying to get him sober. I have the strength to be a loving, supportive partner and a present, attentive mother. A lot of credit goes to Cory but she’ll never take it. That’s the kind of person she is.
The life I want and dream of is here. I greet each day with joy and gratitude. I am happy. I am peaceful. I am strong. "
Jessica - Heal for Real Graduate
Ever heard the saying, "When you know better, you do better?"
That's how you break the cycle.
Human beings are natural learners. We learn by reading, watching, listening, and doing, but not all learning is done in a classroom, or from a professional.
We also learn socially. We learn by watching others, having conversations, and making those close relatable connections with the people that matter most to us.
Because of this, the people who matter most to someone are in a unique position to influence and teach them through example.
If you’re on this page, you probably matter a LOT to someone who struggles with addiction (yes, even if they say you don’t).
That means you DO have the power to influence them.
Just like how their addiction and their behavior has been able to influence you, and catapult your life into chaos.
YOU can influence them, and you ARE, even if you don't mean to be.You just have to harness that power of influence in the right way.
I bet by now you're saying
“I can't influence them, I’ve told them what they should do over and over and they never listen to me.”
That’s where most people get it twisted on "influence".
Influence is NOT about directing, commanding, or manipulating.
Influence is about WHO you are, and how YOU behave, even when people aren’t looking.
It’s the result of you leading by example.
And I bet there are ways you’ve been leading, that you don’t even realize.
Does this sound like you?
You worry about your partner in addiction
You cry over their behavior
You try to reason with them to stop using
You walk on eggshells around the topic of their addiction
You clean up after them when they go on benders
You resent them for their addiction and lost trust in them as a result of their addiction
You keep begging them to stop using (or else!)
You always catch them in lies about their addiction (and then YOU lie to cover for them)
You chase them out the door for being high or drunk (and then beg them to come back, even if they haven't gone to rehab yet)
You threaten to leave them for not being sober (but then for some reason, you can't seem to leave)
Time and time again, you find yourself stuck in the same vicious cycles that you can't seem to break out of.
Let me guess...
You often wake up feeling anxious, suspicious, or replaying past events of pain, resentment and trauma.
You spend your day in the cycle of drama and chaos with them, taking the bait for every fight, getting wrapped up in rescuing them, while neglecting your own health and needs.
And by the end of the day, you’re feeling exhausted, bitter, and find yourself still trying to solve the problem of their addiction.
Another day has gone by in the same unhealthy cycle....
Where you opt to engage in destructive compulsive behaviors and put your own health on the back burner... again.
(Hm, where have we seen this vicious cycle before...)
You DOhave Power!
You have the POWER of influence!
Partners and close friends and family members of people in addiction are in the uniquely powerful position to encourage recovery through the power of influence!
EVEN IF you've tried it all before, it's not too late to encourage recovery, and transform your relationship with a loved one in addiction for the better!
Why does influence matter?
Think about it for a second. When it comes to addiction, where else do we hear the word "influence"?
"Under the influence"
If you’re on this page, you probably matter a LOT to someone who struggles with addiction (yes, even if they say you don’t).
Under the influence of drugs, alcohol, friends, dealers, and other negative influences that are keeping them stuck.
Our loved ones are already suffering under the influence of their addiction, so it's clear that external forces can and DO influence their experience.
Not only that, but it's very likely that they picked up their addiction due to the influence of someone else in their lives. Whether that be a friend, a coworker, a family member, or yes, maybe even a doctor.
The truth is, some human being other than themselves played a part in the beginning of their addiction.
So why shouldn't a human being other than themselves play a part in their recovery?
Unfortunately, we often hear exactly the opposite when we look for advice and support.
If you love someone in addiction, you’ve probably heard someone say one of these things…
“They have to hit rock bottom”
“The only way to help them is tough love”
“Once an addict, always an addict”
Not only are these statements way oversimplified...
They’re the OPPOSITE of what research proves is necessary to support a successful recovery.
And the thing about “we are powerless” in the face of their addiction?
Maybe that’s true for some people. But if that’s the case, we may as well stop going to the doctor, and stop asking advice, and stop giving each other hugs.
Because that stuff is all useless right? We are all powerless. Nothing we do has any affect on other people…
(obvious sarcasm)
Starting to hear how wrong some of this stuff sounds?
You are NOT Powerless
Not only is it plainly untrue when we look around and see how we are affected by others, but it’s even backed up by science!
Research shows us that many addiction cliches are stereotypes and generalizations, that don’t hold up in reality, and are proven false when studied.
So what have we learned so far?
1. We are NOT Powerless
2. We DO influence others (even if we don't know it)
3. We CAN contribute to our loved one's recovery
I hear you saying,
"Ok Cory, great, I can help them,but I literally HATE them right now. Their actionsand decisions while in addiction HURT me!"
Here's where itgets REALLY hard...
If you love someone in addiction, YOU'RE hurting too!
And it's HARD to support someone else, or be any kind of a positive influence on them, when YOU are falling apart.
You need guided HEALING so you can process the trauma that's been trapped in your body over years of dealing with their addiction.
You need compassionate SUPPORT to bring you out of the pain, chaos and darkness that their addiction has influenced within your life
But where are you supposed to find that healing and support?
Let's Talk About Your Options.
Many of the “solutions” that are considered to be the only option for partners and families, don’t really solve anything.
(I'm looking at you, support groups)
Those support groups I tried said “keep coming back”.
If I had known then what I know now about those groups, I wouldn't have gone once.
The things I had been told about "addicts" were just NOT true when it came to me and my experience with addiction, so I started researching what WAS true.
I decided to line myself and my behavior up with the findings from studies I was reading, and I applied the conclusions to my own life. When I realized where I had been going wrong, I started living differently.
It made a HUGE difference, in my life, and in others.
"But wait, I thought those people in the support groups told you you were powerless?"
Yeah, that's funny isn't it?
Did You Know...
Studies have shown that people in addiction whose families attend AlAnon only, have a 13% likelihood of starting recovery?
Thirteen percent??
Compare this to the Johnson Intervention method at 29%, and the Community Reinforcement Approach at up to 75%, and it's plain to see that these free support group programs DO NOT work, even if you "work it".
Wondering which method we learn in Heal for Real?
(Keep Reading)
What People Are Saying About Heal for Real
"Before I started Heal for Real my life was full of anxiety. Through coaching inside of Heal for Real, I've learned how to support my partner in addiction in a healthier way without going crazy. I now have healthier boundaries and a plan for the future for myself as well. Heal for Real has totally changed our entire relationship for the best. Definitely join the program, it will
change your life!"
E.H.
"Cory has great insight and always has a great perspective on any issue you deal with when living with an addict who is seeking recovery. In this program you'll find compassion and understanding in a way I have not found in any other support group such as Al Anon. I think it's a fabulous program for anyone that has loved one who is struggling with addiction
in their family."
J.B.
"Loving an addict is like being trapped on the rollercoaster of insanity. Heal for Real was literally God sent in my life. The rollercoaster kept going, but I was no longer on it. This program taught me practical tools for finding myself again, taking control of my experiences regardless of what is going on around me, and for living from a place of love, joy, and peace. I recommend Heal for Real to anyone who loves an addict."
N.K.
What is Heal for Real, and who is it for?
I created Heal for Real as a "rehab for us" - a recovery program for partners and families of those in addiction.
One that actually WORKS.
This is support for the supporters.
It seems everyone has an opinion of what that person in addiction should do for their own recovery. But very rarely is there any advice or support for the partners and families, aside from "find a support group" or "leave them".
Neither of those so-called solutions are sustainable, and neither of them are supported by modern research.
They're also not realistic.
Especially if you're in a constant state of worry, frustration, or resentment, trying to help them overcome their addiction.
I know what it's like feeling like your only options are either useless, or WAY too risky.
That's why I created Heal for Real.
We deserve a better option.
But before I get ahead of myself, I want to make sure you know that this program is NOT a "magic wand".
The work inside of Heal for Real is hard, sometimes ugly, but absolutely necessary and rewarding.
So let's talk about what's inside.
The Work Inside Heal for Real
Breaking Toxic Behavior Patterns
Retool your day-to-day behavioral dynamics in a way that supports YOU and your ideal life, while creating the environment necessary to sustain recovery and support new, healthy lifestyles.
Removing Damaging Mental Strongholds
Develop a deeper understanding of addiction and the recovery process, beyond the common clichés, so you can heal resentment, improve your relationship, and LEAD the path to recovery by starting with YOU.
Achieving YOUR Goals and Dreams
Uncover the stumbling blocks that have prevented you from making meaningful changes in your life, and follow strategies to accomplish your goals REGARDLESS of their addiction or behavior.
10 Major Changes You'll Experience Inside the Heal for Real Coaching Program
Change #1
Build daily habits and routines so you can stop enabling your loved one in addiction and start supporting YOU.
Change #2
Shift your emotional perspective away from frantic panic mode, so you can become a powerful problem-solver in the face of a crisis
Change #3
Hone in on YOUR standards and priorities so you can create ironclad boundaries that support you despite their addiction behavior.
Change #4
Debunk the myths of addiction so you become gaslight-proof, while healing resentment for the things they did in active addiction.
Change #5
Connect deeply with who you REALLY are so you can make tough decisions and move through life with confidence, even if others in your life are struggling.
Change #6
Create a STABLE lifestyle that supports you, regardless of their addiction behavior or recovery status.
Change #7
Feel at peace and "unbotherable", even if your addicted loved one is creating drama and chaos all around you.
Change #8
Connect with your addicted loved one in a way that encourages recovery and sparks introspection, instead of escalating conflict around their addiction.
Change #9
Relate to your loved one in addiction on THEIR level without sacrificing your standards and boundaries.
Change #10
Live in total embodiment of your TRUE values, instead of abandoning yourself by trying to prevent or manage every aspect of their addiction.
Included When you Enroll in Heal for Real:
Support:
Live Q&As to give you REAL strategies for recovery. Connect with others who are doing the work alongside you.
Get your questions answered each week in a safe environment.
Heal for Real Online Course:
6 month virtual recovery elearning course for partners and families.
Over 50 recovery training videos in a guided format to help you stop codependent patterns, and lead the path to recovery.
Project Influence - 7 Day Course:
Intro-to-Recovery Course that gives you a 7 day jump-start to transform your relationship with someone in addiction.
Project Influence Workbook to help you track your progress.
Lifetime access to content:
Self-paced program allows flexibility so you can heal in your own time, on your schedule.
Lifetime access to course content and support, revisit any content whenever you need to.
PLUS lifetime membership inside The Recovery Revolution Network!
Private support group meetings with vetted members you can trust
Access to specialty group calls
Reference library of recovery resources & recorded content
Forum where you can ask questions, chat with community members and coaches, and get help when YOU need it
Join Heal for Real
Recovery For Partners and Families
In order to Heal for Real,
we need to get to WORK!
Developing strong boundaries
Finding our PEACE
Improving Self Esteem
Creating a STABLE life
Healing resentment
LOVING who YOU are!
And you can do ALL of that inside of Heal for Real
This page you’ve been reading is dedicated to you, and people just like you, who love someone in addiction, and need better solutions.
You deserve real support to help you manage and overcome the chaos you’ve been stuck in.
You deserve real support to help you manage and overcome the chaos you’ve been stuck in.
Get YOUR Recovery Started inside of Heal for Real!
Heal for Real has helped partners and loved ones of people in addiction learn the skills to CHANGE their situation, encourage recovery, and take back their life.
Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes, so if you're ready to get OFF the addiction roller coaster and lead the path to recovery, click the link below to get started
Ready to get started?
The Recovery Revolution LLC does not guarantee any specific outcome. Results can vary. All content provided on the www.therecoveryrevolution.com website is provided for educational or informational purposes only. Consult a Medical Health Professional or other qualified health professional about whether any opinions or recommendations provided through this website apply to you and your unique circumstances.
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